I keep reading on tumbler, social anxiety, social anxiety… I just wonder how many of you truly have it.
I haven’t had a birthday party since i was 12. That was 15 years ago.
I’ve never gone out ‘clubbing’ Well okay aside from a few times sobbing all alone on the side.
My social anxiety is so bad, that I dropped out of high school, art academy, fashion school, make-up school. I can never finish anything. The anxiety takes over everything.
I’m always the odd one out, the weird one in the room. Thing is I’m pretty decent looking. So people have expectations I’m this wonderful social butterfly. But I can’t even function when someone talks to me.
I stutter, and don’t even take in what they say. I don’t find most people funny, so I pretend to laugh. Then I get a feeling as if I’m acting a role and they might see I’m being fake. Thing is I don’t want to be fake at all. But I’m always terrified of not agreeing with someone. I could never stand up for myself. And have a radical different opinion. No.. instead i just say whatever they want to hear to run away from the situation as quickly as possibly.
I notice their eyes going up and down, scanning sections of my face.
I can not deal with hundreds of people crawling around me.
I haven’t been to a family reunion in 10 years.
I can’t open e-mails or letters, Someone has to read them in other words to me, I can’t take phone calls either.
Before I go outside I always make sure there is no one out on the street.
I have no friends. 0, nothing. Nada.
I’m extremely blessed with my boyfriend. He is my life. And i’m grateful.
Going outside with him however… Is hard. I lock up like a robot. I can’t express myself, be myself or relax. It’s some weird kind of survival mode. After being bullied for so long in high school. After every part of me being made fun off.
Now yesterday my moms boyfriend who i got along with terribly, committed suicide. And I already feel it coming that I have to go to the funeral.
Sigh. You have no idea. I have a fear of death, funerals, traveling in public transportation. All those people. I feel like a hypocrite being there. It’s going to be hell for me.
Think of a song that matches my blog! And I’ll do the same in return =)
My least favorite animals are children.